My boy’s room. Up until recently I would not step foot into Parker’s room if he wasn’t home. (Or at least not go in unless absolutely necessary) it was easier to deal with my sadness at him not living at home full time. It was easier to shut the door on my feelings of inadequacy and shame over our decision. It’s something I’m working on. I’m learning to forgive myself for the decision we made and give myself permission to live guilt free and to live my life fully. It’s not an overnight process. Its not a steady straight path. It’s been nearly 4 years, but I’m reminded of the piece I read about grief back when we first made this decision. It still speaks to me.
I’m never sure when those feelings are going to surge back up and overwhelm me. But I know, if I keep the door shut and don’t look at his empty bed, I’m able to live in denial a little longer. In my mind I know my kiddo is happy and loved by so many. I know we made the right decision, for so many reasons. But every now and then my heart goes rogue and forgets all that.
But tonight I went into his room , tidied up the mess he left while he was home this weekend, did some redecorating and even laid on his bed for a couple minutes. No tears, no sadness and no guilt. Today I’m in between the waves.